Mosaic Daisy

Ok I have very little family contact, what I do have is questionable at best. With that question, I am constantly asking myself why I even bother?

That contact is superficial on a good day, and I am not a superficial person, so that really eats away at me.

Topics of conversations revolve around the weather, or what I can do for them. They do not care or inquire about me.

My brother has the communication skills of a 1st grader, and plucks my nerves… he thinks he is funny and or intelligent, but neither actually surface. He has no interest in who I am, and last saw me about 2 1/2 decades, so he would not know me if he ran over me.

An aunt who I think I have contact with more on a pity basis, due to her non-existant relationship with my non-existant father. But she is another one who has no clue anything about me, and I have met all of once in my life. Somehow she is also my godmother, which can trickle off into a whole other discussion (about meaningless things).

A cousin, who does not talk to me, but wants to have contact.. which I think if we were face to face would be more like a staring contest, if I could get eye-contact. In other words.. nada.

I struggled to gain contact with other relatives that just ended up being pointless, so I stopped bothering… does not seem any of them noticed (years later). But heck they did not know if I was in the room when I was around them, some had no idea who I was if they did notice me (and that was at a couple Christmases where I saw them, when I was a kid).

So why do I bother? What point, purpose and value does having contact with people who have no other connection then possibly being somehow related (that point I constantly question). I could have a more involved relationship with someone in a grocery check out line.

Let them find out about your life events on facebook, versus normal conversation.

• My sister-in-law’s engagement I discovered by facebook, I did not even know she was dating.
• A friend had a kid, I discovered when I saw pictures of her child who was several years old. We had been in contact, yet somehow she never mentioned being pregnant or having a child?
• Another friend I discovered she had her first grandchild, on facebook.. several months later. 

But this goes even further back then just facebook for me… Reflecting back on deaths in my family, I often found out either by the newspaper or years later by word of mouth. 

I have a guest room, it sits empty, no visitors. Before the empty guest room, we had empty bedrooms waiting for children that never happened. Before the empty rooms I had an empty space in my life waiting for family that never wanted to be a part (of my life).

Space, a void, an empty guest room, getting stale, taking up space, becoming an anchor on life.

The solution, fill the empty space with life… move on to better things in life, do not leave empty space for people who choose not to be a part of your life.

When you see someone treading water, do you wait to see if they will catch their breath and regain strength to make it to shore, or perhaps call for help? Or do you toss a life-line? The risk is either losing a life, or losing a friend, because of their bruised egos (they resent having to be rescued).

I always take the risk of losing the friend vs losing the life. Sometimes they come back and will even thank me for what I have done, but many will be gone forever. I do not regret my choice to toss that life-line.

Perhaps I was just conditioned as a child? The only way I knew how to interact with others was to help them. My mother was always turning to me for answers (since I was 5 years old, perhaps even younger). So the only way I knew how to interact with others was to help them, solve their problems. . But perhaps that is my point & purpose in life? 

And sorry but again, my mother comes to mind, she (likely) was there when I was hatched..

So thinking about her being 44… her oldest was 22, next was 20 and I was 18.. I was already out of her life (she had slammed the door on my face, and kicked me out of her life). Yes it has been more than a 1/4 century that she has been out of my life.

How can any mother create a life and abandon it? Just toss it aside, like a piece of trash– I know I could easily get into an abortion discussion at this point, I easily connect to children who were unwanted and tossed away.

Mother’s day is coming soon (that ads already are giving hints). But mothers are something you can not get away, any time of year. I see friends post about wonderful, loving mothers, and happy memories, and or just self-back pats for being mothers. Mother nature is another reminder, and she can be quite mad, psychotic and well bipolar… which strikes a familiar chord for me. 

What comes to mind when I think of my mother? 

• Her telling me not to call her mother. 
• Her telling me to shut up, when I was a child & would say “I love you”. 
• Her telling me she wished I was never born & or how I ruined her life. 
• Her point blank explaining to me how she hates me, (that lasting memory happened when I was 8 years old)
• Any promise she made was guaranteed to be broken.
• Any money I had was taken directly from cards in the mail, or if they made it to the bank, she was quick to take that too. 
• Any gifts given to me, if she did not toss them, she would keep them (including taking a watch off my wrist while I slept). 

I do not have the benefit of happy memories or connections when it comes to a mother, add I am not a mother myself, but I am glad for those who had that gift in life, or are offering that to their children. 

Some of my goofy thoughts on Easter… 

The Easter Bunny, is he a mutant bunny, offering up eggs? 

Or is the Easter Bunny, a criminal rodent that steals eggs… boils them up, disguises them hides them? 

Hummm. 

Just a thought.. not all relatives are family, sadly most people we are related to are nothing more then just relatives.

Families, are supportive, loving, caring, and involved. They know you, they want to know you. They want to be a part of your life.

Relatives are just a fluke of nature that just happen to have some biological connection.